Hatpastorns likpredikan

Human sacrifice! Dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria! Hatpastorn in English.

OK, this is going to be bad. There is a reason that Hatpastorns Likpredikan is written in Swedish, and that reason … well, there are several reasons.

English is not my native language. Spelling and grammar will be a problem.

Swedish is far superior when it come to creating new words by just combining them in the most bizarre ways possible. Most of my writing is based upon this way of just mashing words together like LEGO-bricks, often for comedic result. Doing this in English … well I guess it could work, but it has not the same oomph. I mean, people can have a hissy fit over the fact that Darkthrone is not spelled Dark Throne. Imagine those people’s reaction when I force feed them with proper words like “countycouncilhaircut”, “intercoursegoth”, “croquanteface” and “uneverything”.

It is so easy to fall into certain traps when writing in a language that is not your own. One of the biggest is to transform into the most dreaded dinosaur of all time, the Thesaurus Rex. I mean, if I were born in Great Britain, I think that the early lyrical works of Dark Tranquility and Theatre Of Tragedy would had led me to a early grave. “Oooh, look at me, I have bought the most expensive thesaurus at the local mall. Kneel before me. Or should I say kneeleth beforeth thy sovereign monarch liege virtuoso maestro scribe with the sagacity and percipience of a deity!” Woah, I think I just wrote a Dimmu Borgir-chorus!

Sure, I have nothing against creative and advanced use of words per se, but in most cases it doesn’t fit at all and just ends up as an incomprehensible mess. Just read the lyrics to the mid-era Borknagar albums if you still don’t understand what I mean.

The stream of mortality flows uncontrolled

A boundless downward spiral to prospective void

Existence takes its toll, extinction unfolds

The Colossus falls back from it’s threshold

By all means, tell me more of this prospective void! I don´t recall reading a single interview or speaking to an American or Englishman who have ever mentioned the complete anarchy regarding the English language when it comes to lyrics/band names/titles from for example Scandinavian bands. The Ancient´s Rebirth released an album called “Drain the portal in blood!”. I was way over 30 when I one day went “hey, wait a minute, either they drench this portal in blood, or they drain it of blood.” I am not without guilt myself when it comes to producing strange lyrics or pronunciations that are bizarre. The word “scythe” for example, fellow Scandinavians, raise your hand if you have pronounced this correctly from day one. No one? Are the brits secretly laughing their asses off, like we swedes did when the Russian band Svartby produced the most mind-blowing lyrical adventures, or are they fooled? “Oh, jolly good! Drain the portal in blood! Most esoteric I must say. James, will you be so kind and fetch me my morning paper and a biscuit with fig marmalade. That would be most dandy.”

So, with that out of the way it is time to finally get going.

IA-band from IA-land. Now I must explain this shit again. Band names that end with “ia”, in nine cases out of ten there is some sort of symphonic fuckery of a band behind it. Mortemia, Sirenia, Tristania and so on. I hate it. It is pure laziness to just take a word, and force “ia” at the end of it. Even worse is to create a nonsense word that ends with “ia”. Symphonic/goth/power metal bands are usually the biggest culprits to this crime on common decency. For example, there are nine bands that has the word “Symphonia” in it. Sickening. We also have Gothia from Chile. They play … NSBM. With Mitra on all instruments! That is … unexpected. A headdress worn by archbishops and bishops, performing NSBM. In Chile.

I have not even started, and I am already so eager to give up.

IA-land. A country that ends with “ia”. Albania, Croatia and so on. You get it. Now that I think about it, “IA-band from IA-land” is a shit title. IA-country would be better, but that doesn’t rhyme with “band” … at all! This is already a disaster. The whole reason I am writing this in English in the first place was to be able to analyze IA-bands from countries that ends with “ia” in English.

Oh, well …

Introducing, Ablepsia from Bulgaria! What is a “Ablepsia”? Huh, a fancy word for “blindness”. I have learned something today! Well, these jokes write themselves now because impaired vision is somewhat of a blessing in this case. Every cow in Bulgaria had to be slaughtered to provide these gentlemen with the proper attire. I am no expert on Bulgarian bovine butchery, but they must have run out of cows by now.

Ablepsia, symphonic black metal with more members than written songs. Nothing to write home about. They split up after two demos and it seems that some of the guys are involved with other bands …Catalepsia is one of them and … no.

One more from Bulgaria. Aegonia. This is the pinnacle of symphonic fuckery. Sure, they seem to play folk/gothic/doom/whatever metal, but we all know what this really is about. Symphofuck with too many members. It´s awful. Embarrassing. Lazy. They all look and sound the same, which is rich coming from me that primarily listens to black metal and noise/power electronics!

From Croatia … Tirania! According to the Internet:

Melodic Death-Metal band from Zaprešić is characterised by many changes of members and genres. They started as Thrash Metal band mainly influenced by Metallica. With next lineup they brought new sound combining Heavy Metal and violin. The result was demo album ‘’Illusion’‘. After they removed violin due to lack of speed and power, it was all about technique. They recorded next, progressive single called ‘’The War After’‘.Currently, the band is working on finalization of their album ”THE LURKING FEAR” ,which was named and inspired by H.P.Lovecraft`s story. TIRANIA is now approaching that characteristic sound of today, mainly marked by bands of younger generation.

These spelling errors are not my fault and the text above gave me a mild stroke. I feel old and confused.

Czechia coming up. I love saying Czechia by the way. Czechia, Czechia, Czechia. Powerful stuff. The country that gave us Master’s Hammer. I sure hope there is exactly zero IA-shenanigans to be found.

I was wrong.

Sarkonia! Symphonic metal with THREE Lilliths! Exquisite. Just look at them. You know how this is going to sound. A masterpiece of flawlessness. Lovelorn twilightistical hymns soaring above the angelic lamentations of times past! Hahaha, how is it even possible for all these fine people to have bands with so many members? I think there is some sort of law that prohibits IA-bands to exist without AT LEAST six members. I mean, it is not easy to find people to play music with and … well, I have made a list with IA-band requirements and made some shocking revelations.

• To be able to perform this kind of music, some sort of talent and ambition must exist
• The members must lack any sense of taste and/or imagination
• Symphogothfuckery requires expensive equipment/instruments/fancy clothes/fake teeth, meaning, the members need to have a steady income
• The members must be able to coexist with AT LEAST five other people at every rehearsal, recording, live show etcetera
• A minimum of one person in the band needs to be a female, preferably a vocalist, flutist or violin/synth/whatever. Flutist? Is that even a word? A person who plays the flute, best case scenario a person named Lillith
• Photoshop-skills is a plus, and by skills, I mean being a complete hack capable of producing enormous amounts of vomit inducing imagery including big tits and angel wings

How is this possible to achieve? I am dead serious. I have ended a vast amount of my own solo projects due to internal conflicts! And don´t get me started on the actual bands I have played with … oh lord, the troubles with other members … it’s almost mythological. And we were five, at most! I can´t even fathom the logistics of playing in a band with over five members. This is a complete mystery to me and there are numerous bands like these.

Estonia, please tell me that you have something better to offer.

Nope.

FORDONIA! This moniker is especially ludicrous if you speak Swedish.

Fordonia threatens us all with power metal. Songs about freedom, Hare Crishna and war. I love it when Estonian metal heads teaches me everything that is to know about Hare Crishna. There are many problems here, but if you live in Estonia, why do you take your band photos in what seems to be a location where you take your school photos? How about just going outside! Maybe Estonians are not too cool for school? There is a joke regarding the infamous Venom song “Teacher’s pet” to be found here. Moving on.

There is a great sadness when you go through over two THOUSAND Indonesian metal bands just to find that perfect IA-band. After a while you go cross eyed due to exhaustion.

Just like the guy in Infuzia.

La, la, la, Latvia! Here we have Catalepsia, but don´t just take my words for it, here is essential Catalepsia information according to the Internet:

Catalepsia existing today started to form at the late 2000s when five heavy and melancholic music lovers came together to play something satisfying their tastes and will to express themselves through the sound of musical instruments. The band managed to record a few demos until 2011 when due to being unable to solve some conflicts a decision to split up was taken. A few years passed until the year 2014 when four of the members came back together to record Catalepsia’s debut album “World of Cliché”. After that, a number of live shows around the Baltic States, Germany, France and Poland followed until the making and release of band’s second full length album “Inheritance”. The band was put on hold by founder Erwin Franz from December 2011 to 2013.

“Heavy and melancholic”, sounds like me after Christmas dinner.

Next in line, Lithuania. Home of good bands like Poccolus, Nahash and Anubi. Also, home to Saprophytes, which of course technically is not an IA-band, but …I just know that the name Saprophytesia was up for discussion when these villains from Vilnius prepared for world domination.

One album released, “Marionette” from 2005. You can skip it.

Such a waste that Romania is lacking a band called Draculia or Draculaia. It would have been perfect. They do have Inopia though. If you ever wondered what happened to Frodo Baggins after his adventure with that ring, I have great news for you. He moved to Romania, bought a jeans jacket and a scarf, and started to rock it out in Inopia. The big winner in this group of people is the tall stud with the thick hair. He claimed all the ladies. Or both the Lilliths.

One redeeming factor is that Inopia has a song called “Abigor”. Such a great band. Abigor, that is.

Russia … I think I must postpone my analysis on Russian IA-bands. It is just too much to handle, and this journey has been exhausting. OK, one example:

Amederia. A vortex of bad pants and bad decisions.

Serbia. We have all seen A Serbian Film, but have you heard Parahelia? Don´t. Lillith in the middle looks friendly. I like her. The other guys though … once again we have a pants problem and some of the dudes looks a little too eager to taste man flesh. Next!

IA-band from Slovakia land. Are you ready? Just take a moment and breathe. Relax. Gather some strength. Ready? Here we go:

Symfobia!!!

Symphonic metal with two Lilliths and an album brilliantly titled “The smog of tomorrow”. Jackpot. This is just perfect. I love the band photo. Hashtag, “no filters”.

How about their neighbors in Slovenia? Well, well, well. Zaria. Once again, we have two feisty Lilliths, and four dudes. Four concerned dudes by the looks of it. Are the last two guys twins? They look eerily similar. Well, this whole genre is eerily familiar.

I think it´s time to end this madness. I have proved my point. IA-bands are horrible and when they come from IA-lands it might be even worse.

This may be the first and last text I write in English. It was fun, but a bit time consuming and most likely ridden with grammatical weirdness. It is what it is. Now I will listen to some great bands instead. Katatonia, Hell Militia, Necromantia, Nyktalgia and Wallachia will do the trick. Maybe a little Catamenia on the side? No.

Until next time.

/Hatpastorn